I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
