It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
