Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
