If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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