The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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