i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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