At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
