you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Randomize
