I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
