i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
