There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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