Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
