Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
just tell him i said nine months
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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