I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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