Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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