I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
