I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
