Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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