3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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