More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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