Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
