I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
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We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
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because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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