sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
