Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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