There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
