Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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