I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
