I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
