Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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