Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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