The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
