What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
