It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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