I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
