That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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