cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
