last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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