alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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