Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
