Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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