Will you blow on my dice?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
