Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
