GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
