I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
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So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
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Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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