Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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