I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
