I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
