What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
