he wants to bone in the snuggie
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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