Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
