Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
All I want is dick and wine.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
