I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
