is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I am one with the molecules
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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