I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
