Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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